thoughts on my comfort

manifesta

 

My apartment is cold. Six of the open tabs on my laptop contain half-completed cover letters with dates hovering in the top left margin ranging from December 14th to January 16th. I am drinking orange juice because I blame a perceived fogginess on lack of citrus and Vitamin C. I have five unopened text messages from four friends. I previewed the texts as they flashed on my lock screen. I will not reply today.

I am a nester. My bed contains no less than five pillows, five blankets, and a stuffed panda at any given moment. While I embrace minimalism and anti-consumerism in all other aspects of my life, where I choose to roost for the day accumulates an embarrassing array of comforts.

Today, I have nested. Blankets. Space heater. Coffee. OJ. Phone. Notebook. Pens. Candles. Trail mix. Soundcloud. The Weeds podcast.

I did not go to my classes. I did not go to work. I canceled my plans for tonight and instead plan to remain on the couch perhaps until tomorrow morning.

Comfort sometimes appears debilitating. As a white, cis woman, I actively resist using Audre Lorde and bell hooks quotes to validate my inaction as revolutionary self-care. Self-care is important, but by purely existing I am complicit in violence against women of color, trans women, and gender non-conforming folks – to only list a few marginalized identities that I do not possess. The fact I can even afford to simply lock myself inside my apartment is incredibly privileged. My silent existence is not revolutionary, it is oppressive.

Nesting is different from comfort. When I nest, I buckle down. My nourish myself bodily and mentally. Today, I created an introductory reading list to help radicalize liberal feminists into leftist feminists. Today, I reflected on my trauma, on the ways I’ve been abused and how it informs my social positionality and my activism. Today, I listened to incredible black artists share their stories. Today, I geared up for a tomorrow full of fight and resistance.

Today, I am nesting in my comfort, but tomorrow I will do my best to give that up.

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